On Notice #3

Last night I was laying in bed, drifting off to sleep when all of the sudden there was a flash of light through my windows. Now I have pretty tiny windows, so it’s a long shot that I’d notice something like that. The wheels in my head started turning… what direction was that from? Clearly, somebody dropped an atomic bomb on Philadelphia & decades from now I’ll be telling my nieces & nephews how we saw the flash all the way from Pittsburgh! I won’t be telling my own children this though, because the radiation will probably cause me to be barren.

If you picked up a newspaper or glanced at your newsfeed this morning you probably already know there was no atomic bomb. But I do this all the time. The slightest things & I’m certain it’s the apocalypse. I know people running through worst-case-scenarios are pretty normal, but I have a feeling I’m on my own with this one. It’s not that I’m afraid of the end of the world, I’m just always pretty sure it’s happening in a “Here we go…” kind of way. I remember once waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of airplanes & a siren (most likely unrelated noises) & took serious consideration whether I should wake my roommate to let her know we were under attack. I finally decided she’d find out for herself & should get some sleep while she could.

Well, apocalyptic nightmares…. YOU’RE ON NOTICE.

Joining you on notice is some stranger from N.C. named Jessie who won’t stop texting me. He apparently has my brother’s old cellphone number, so when I was text-yelling at my brother about a computer problem I was actually harassing a stranger. When I finally caught on to what was happening I apologized & hoped it would all be behind me… but for some reason this person thinks we’re penpals & keeps texting me. This is not a Meg Ryan movie, it’s real life & completely inappropriate.

My fridge, the silver Kia, & laundry aggression have all been cleared up, but I’m going to keep you up there until someone else needs your spot. You just sit there & think about what you did.

Also a new addition to Dead to Me… a spot reserved for only unforgivable offenses… spiders. My apartment has more spiders than I can mentally handle. They’re all kinds of different spiders too which freaks me out more for some reason. I keep killing them & more just take their place. I really worry about that whole statistic where most people eat 8 spiders in their sleep during their lifetime. If I wake up with a stuffy nose or a tickle in my throat I immediately think it must be a spider & freak out until it turns out to be just a booger. So spiders, not that you were ever on my good side, but now you should know that you’ll never be anything but dead to me.